Potty Training Without Rewards... Is it really possible?

Potty training is a significant milestone for toddlers that marks the transition from diapers to using the toilet independently. Stepping into this stage creates a new chapter for parenthood as well! It's all about the opportunity to guide your toddler through this new skill with an emphasis on patience and positivity. Many parents and caregivers opt to use sticker charts and treats for potty training. What we have learned is that this establishes extrinsic motivation. This means that as children grow they will most likely seek rewards for effort, and even expect it in settings like school for ideal behavior. Rewards are generally used as a behavioral modification tool, which can absolutely have its time and place. Utilizing intrinsic motivation by focusing on consistency, routines, positive reinforcement, and open communication can create a supportive environment conducive to mastering potty training.

Now, what does it even mean to instill intrinsic motivation while potty training? Everyone has an "inner world" where our thoughts and true self resides. The goal here is to reach that inner world with something that holds meaning and sticks, which involves cultivating a genuine internal desire to use the toilet, while fostering a sense of accomplishment and autonomy. This can look like observing and learning your child's cues, then teaching them to recognize those as well. "Do you notice your legs are wiggling? Yes, okay does that mean its potty time? Yes!" Encourage their independence, while always being on standby in the event they need assistance or connection during this learning process. "You can use this stool to reach the potty. Yes, one foot then the other. Oh, do you need help with turning around? Yes, okay, I'll show you how." Celebrating small victories with acknowledgement of their effort, and verbalizing how they feel, "Wow! You listened to your body, and ran to the potty. You kept trying and did it. How do you feel after going potty all by yourself? So proud, that's great!"

Alright, but how do we actually begin potty training?

• Start with introducing your child to the concept of using the potty by sparking their curiosity. "Hmm, I see you don't want to wear your pull-up right now. Are you wanting to try something different? Where can you go potty if you're not wearing a pull-up?"
• Offer encouragement when they make attempts that highlight their progress and effort. "Look, you pulled down your pull-up. Do you need to go potty? Great, what's the next step? Bathroom, yes!"
• Let them be a part of the process, because that's what fostering independence is all about. This can look like letting them flush the toilet, close the lid, move the stool, or wash their own hands.
• Make using the potty a fun idea by emphasizing the steps in a playful way that engages their interest.

For my family this meant a lot of favorite character impressions, modeling things correctly/incorrectly in a silly way, and really being present to show how important these moments were to me. By doing it incorrectly I was able to gift my children the experience of an adult making mistakes, as well as showing them how to handle it! "What? Oh, I did that differently than last time? I should look around and check? Ah, I see. I didn't open the toilet lid. I just sat down! How silly of me. It's okay, I can open it now, and remember next time. Thank you for telling me, because I forgot. I really like how kind your words were when you told me!"

Be patient and model how to have a growth mindset during any of your child's setbacks. "It's okay, my love! Learning to use the potty takes time. Mistakes help us learn. I can clean this up, then you can try again. Remember, I am right here to help you figure it out." Mistakes will happen. This is a practice, and will take some time. When using intrinsic motivation children are being taught to truly learn from their mistakes by focusing on all of the thing's we are modeling like persistence, resilience, maintaining a growth mindset, and having a positive attitude. By making the potty training experience positive and self-rewarding you can nurture an internal drive within your child to master this developmental milestone.